Erma Bomback

This is my all time favorite quote on the subject of parenting a Special Needs child. It was written by Erma Bomback who was a very funny comedian who died quite young from Poly Cystic Kidney disease. Every time I read this I just want to cry for 10-20 minutes. Please excuse the none politically correct references because this was written during the 70's-80's when this was the language dujour.

SPECIAL MOM by Erma Bombeck (Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how these mothers are chosen?) Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to take notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong,Beth-Son-Patron Saint, Matthew." "Rutledge, Carrie,-twins-PatronSaint...Give her Gerard, he's used to profanity." Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. " Give her a handicapped child." The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She is so happy." "Exactly, could I give a handicapped child a mother who doesn't know laughter? That would be cruel." "But does she have patience?" asked the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she will handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self, and independence, so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world, and that's not going to be easy." "But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you!" God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect, she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps. "Selfishness, is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time she will be witness to a miracle and know it. When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blindchild, she will see it as few people ever see my creations. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty,prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing My work as surely as she is here by My side." "And what of her Patron Saint?" asked the angel, his pen poised inmidair. God smiles. " A Mirror will suffice."

6 things that I hate about IEP meetings.

Now that I am one of the people setting at the table, I now am very sensitive to the needs of the parents who come into these meetings feeling bewildered and often afraid for their child. Because I was once and still am on the other side of the table, I always try to be sensitive to the needs and feelings of parents. It's funny because I have never had a problem with a parent at school. Hmmm. Maybe because I actually like these people. I also love their children. I do not see them as a problem or obstacle in my path but more as the reason I am there. Here is a list of the things that I hate about Special Education meetings and some ways I think professionals could make them better and less intimidating. I am sure that many of you out there will know exactly what I am talking about.

1) You feel like you have walked into a lunch room and sat down with the "popular clique" at high school and you are not a part of the clique. How dare these people continue to talk about their weekend at the shore while you are sitting there as if you are not there. You are there to discuss the most important issues in your life as well as your child's and people are ignoring you or discussing personal issues that do no pertain to you. I always try to talk about the child while we are waiting. Perhaps I discuss some little thing that the child has said or done. I introduce the other members of the team or just chat about life. So what if this person is different, you can find common ground with anyone and usually the easiest thing to discuss is the child. We are not talking about brass tacks here. How about the cute thing he said the other day.

2) The fact that it is called an IEP meeting. In Connecticut we call it a PPT. In other states they call it different things. The fact that we are discussing a human being with acronyms is absurd, especially when half of the people do not know the meaning of this language we are speaking. If you must use these terms take the time to explain what you are talking about. Erase the mystery behind the process and people will actually feel that they are a part of the team which they are supposed to be a part of in the first place.

3) The mystery behind the evaluation results Why can't we supply the parent with the full evaluation and a discription of the tests while we are discussing the results. Why must things be so mysterious. Most people will understand what we are talking about if it is explained to them in simple language. Sometimes the people at the meeting do not understand what the other team members reports mean. How do we expect a parent to understand what we are talking about. These people are trusting us with their children. No wonder people think that they need advocates when they probably do not. They need someone to help them wade through this sea of complex imformation. We are the very people who frighten them and make them feel that their child is not getting what they need because they have no idea what we are doing in the first place.

4) Dismissing Parents Legitimate or not Legitimate Concerns

How dare we dismiss a parents concerns about their child. At least we need to empathize with the needs and desires of the parent. It does not mean we have to do something to fix the problem but at least we need to listen.

5)Do not lie to a parent! Sure it seems easy to say "sure we do that" when we do not but in the end it is wrong. Do not lie. Ever!

6) Start the meeting on time! If you cannot be on time, do not just leave the parent sitting there alone. It is similar to waiting at the dentist to have your teeth drilled. You do not feel any better the longer you wait. You usually feel worse!

Remember that this person is on your turf, you need to help them feel comfortable.

It's funny because in the end, this all looks to me to be something called "good manners" but I guess we need to teach this. Interesting it seems that the people who are in charge of teaching social skills need a few lessons of their own. Being rude is not something that we are taught to do by our districts or even in universities. It seems that my bosses seem to respect me more because I treat parents as I wanted to be treated. I also think that it greatly reduces the need for due process hearing and in that we all win. Especially the most important person in the whole process. The child.

Why I have the best job in the world!

Every day I get to wake up and go fight for children who often have no one to stand up for them. I also get paid to play! On Friday, I spent most of the day playing a grammar game with many of my 17 students who are spread out through the school. It was one of those days when we spent a lot of time testing and most of the classrooms were in the midst of a huge dose of busy work. I have a "classroom" that consists of a table out in the hall. We played the game and I really saw that several of my students had finally "understood" some very important concepts. When it was nearly time for dismissal, one little boy came up to me and gave me a big hug. He actually said to me, " Thank you for a wonderful day!" Sure I have piles of paperwork and no one really respects how hard our job really can be but you know what? Who cares! I have touched the future and it felt pretty good to me!

What Parents must know about Special Education!

Six years ago, something wonderful and horrible happened to me at the same time. At the time it seemed like I had entered hell but I now see it as "the best thing that ever happened to me." I am sure some of you out there know what I am talking about. My three year old son was diagnosed as having Pervasive Developmental Disorder which is a disorder associated with the Autism Spectrum. At the time, I knew nothing about the world of today's Special Education and I was horrified. I spent many hours crying and endless sleepless nights wondering what the future held for my difficult and sensitive little boy. These are the things that I wished I knew at that time:

1)Typically, school personnel, even special education teachers, are not taught strategies in college that assist students with Learning Disabilities and other health issues including ADD and ADHD .

Most teachers know very little about what these disorders entail or how to treat them. Many can be intentionally ignorant and even hostile towards special needs students. Just as many are wonderful and caring people who try their best every day.

2)Parents know their child best and therefore are their child's best advocate.

Period!

You must learn as much as you can about your child's needs and about the rights of children to recieve a free and appropriate public education.

3)Students with learning issues frequently receive high grades but may still be eligible for special education support.

Just because a child is intelligent does not mean that they cannot benefit from a more even playing field. Many children with special needs have very unique gifts and talents. Some children who could be classified as Mentally Retarded or Intellectually Disabled have talents and gifts that could be used to educate them to higher level than is often expected. One of my students cannot read a single word and yet can remember many details of a story that has been read to her.

Also a we do not always need to wait until a child is failing to refer a child for

evaluation.

4)Receiving special education services does not require that a child be removed from the general education environment.

Okay I will admit it. I am an inclusionist and I believe that every child should have the right to spend as much time as possible with their peers. The things that children learn from other typical children are immeasurable! I can tell a child not to pick his nose in public every minute of every day and it will have little effect. If a child wants to fit in with his peers, he will figure this out the natural way. If I remove that child from his natural environment into a "self-contained" classroom, he will never learn these essential social rules of society that will allow him to "pass" as typical. Inclusion is hard for everyone but in the end we all win.

The days of putting children away so that others do not have to "deal" with them are over. I am so grateful that I did not allow anyone to isolate my son. He is now a happy and healthy little boy who seems to make friends easily. I was blessed that I figured most of this out early in this adventure because I feel that his good and bad experiences helped shape and "heal" him into a rather typical and yet extraordinary little boy.

A place to begin!

Let me start with a simple explanation of how I arrived here. When I was in First Grade, my teacher, Mrs. Walker (I wish you were out there!) notified my two bewildered parents that I, their first and most precious little girl was probably Mentally Retarded. Why? I do not know exactly but I can now attribute this entirely to my ADD which at that time was unknown. I then went on to get an education and now hold an M.Ed. and am working towards my doctorate. I also tend to be a wildly over the top advocate for children in my life and in my profession as a Special Education Teacher. Thank You very much Mrs. Walker! You unintentionally made the world a better place for quite a few kids!

I am a rebel by nature and I feel that this goes along quite nicely with my job and "this life that chose me called being the parent of two Special Needs children." I have been proudly dismissed from one Autism related parents listserve for sticking up for parents. I believe that most of the things that Special Needs children benefit from the most do not cost thousands of dollars and lead families to even further financial difficulty but come from the heart and are conducted by intelligent people who care.

This is where I begin my year. I am going to use my love and expertise to help parents realize that many of the best interventions available cost very little and are everywhere we look. So without further ado, here is to every child out there that just need someone to try! Try to look inside of their souls! Try to look at their problems and come up with simple solutions. Smile at them when they walk past and make them feel that they have something uniquely wonderful to add to the world because they do!